The Cutting Edge

The official blog of Knife Depot

William Wallace sword winner revels in conquest, frolics with hot babes

The following is an essay written by Eino Hill, the winner of the William William Wallace sword contest held in April.  The Cutting Edge does not endorse, comprehend or validate in anyway Mr. Hill’s medieval fantasies, delusions of grandeur or other strange musings, though we do think that his experience is a prime example of the awe-inspiring power of a sword.

William Wallace Medieval Sword

Eino Hill celebrating with his William Wallace Sword

The elongated cardboard box with my name on it could only mean one thing:the Sword of Galleon had arrived.

Alas, the quest was now over.  After many years of searching for the fabled sword, its whereabouts having been shrouded in mystery for centuries, a signature was the only thing left standing in my way of its possession.  I signed and ran to my room, box in tow.

Flipping through the scriptures, I read again The Passage of Righthood for the One in Possession of The Sword of Galleon.

Turn any man of dust and sand, from across the land o’er yonder,
Who once a pawn thou now shall spawn a mortal man no longer.

There is the Fountain of Youth.  And then there’s Immortality!  Who wants to be young their whole life when they can have everlasting omnipotence?  Powers we, as man, cannot even conceive due to our paltry, insignificant existence?

“Just call me God Jr.,” I said to the heavens above.

Cleverly disguised on the Cutting Edge Blog as the William Wallace Sword, obtaining the Sword of Galleon was much like capturing Bin Laden.  It took years of searching, just to discover it was hiding in plain sight.

“It’s too bad I didn’t obtain this sword a month earlier,” I mused.  I would’ve gone to that compound in Abbottabad myself and turned him into a Taliban Kebob with this damn thing!”

I wasn’t fooled though.  I followed the path.  I did as the Scriptures told.

Follow the pen, whose might shall rise,
Not that of swords, but in disguise.

It took me some time to figure out.

We, as children, were always taught that the pen was mightier than the sword.  But let’s get serious.  They clearly weren’t referring to the Sword of Galleon!  The Sword of Galleon will bust a pen up!  I don’t care if it’s ballpoint!  I don’t give a damn if its a Mont Blanc or even a Bic?

So that part made sense.  The sword was still mightier than the pen.  But how could a pen’s might rise and be in disguise?

I Googled it.  Specifically, “How could a pen’s might rise and be in disguise?” Google had no answers for me, had no clue.  It did, however, lead me to this woman with a drawn on beard evading the police. Wikipedia wanted me to learn about Optimus Prime. “Robots in disguise” was what triggered that one.  After countless minutes of frustration, I realized not finding the answer to this all-important question was a good thing.

“If someone had the answer, they would already have the sword,” I thought.

Then I started thinking.  Pen.  Writing.  Words.  A pen writes words.  Words form sentences.  Sentences form paragraphs.  Paragraphs form chapters.  Chapters form books.  Books form libraries!  I must go to the library!

But libraries aren’t on the rise.  Statistically speaking, nobody goes to libraries anymore.  Can you imagine having a library card?  A timetable to read something!?  A stamp that tells you that you will have to pay a late fee if not returned by a certain date?

Why get in your car, look for parking, walk in a library, look up something to read on those 1980s archaic computers that only operate on MS DOS, get a ladder to get to the top shelf where the book is supposed to be, find out the book has already been checked out, spew your anger through verbal atrocities, just to be told to “be quiet” by the front desk lady because other people are reading, only to get into it with the front desk lady (you and your $10/hr did what you could sweetheart, I will say and scream whatever I want!), and be told you have a lifetime ban at yet another library, when you can just go online and read whatever the hell you want for free?

Then it hit me.  That’s it!  The power of words has risen with the advent of the World Wide Web.  The pen is no longer a pen.  “Pen’s dead, babe.  Pen’s dead.”  The pen is now a keyboard!

Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, the keyboard now possesses unyielding strength to anybody who knows how to operate a computer.  Everybody has a voice!  And for the most part, everybody’s voice has equal weight!  Further, news couldn’t travel faster than the mass wave of social networking, blogging, online news sites, etc. that are all, at a moment’s notice, available right in your pocket, at your desk, or anywhere an Internet connection is available.  Which, unless you were in Bin Laden’s sanctuary, is EVERYWHERE.

Conclusion: The Scriptures were asking me to find the Sword of Galleon online!

I went to eBay.  My search returned 0 items.  I posted a wanted Craigslist ad,but to my chagrin, nobody answered the call. was a waste of time.

I was running out of resources.

In what seemed to be a fruitless endeavor for months on end, I stumbled across  The Cutting Edge, the official blog of Knife Depot.

And God Almighty, there it was!  An image of my futile pursuit, right in the blog post Five Reasons to Pick Up Sword Fighting!  But ‘twas not just an image.  Nay, a contest!  A contest to win the Sword of Galleon!

The rules of the contest were quite trivial.  Simply reply to the blog with any post, and enter for a chance to win a replica “William Wallace Sword.”

“These fools!  Do they even know what they are fighting for!”

Had they followed the Scriptures, they would have known.  Everybody would have known.  This would not have been taken so callously.  Reply to the post for a chance to become a supreme being.  As the scriptures read…

The sword befit within the dirt, upon the hands a man in skirt,
To rise above with rage and malice, a replica of William Wallace.

Only 147 responses!!!  There should have been 158 million.  Not that I was complaining.  I had a 1 in 147 chance of winning the blog contest.  Which ultimately translated into a 146 in 147 chance I would be doing some stalking and manhunting if I didn’t.

Well wouldn’t you know it, I won!

Fate?  Destiny?  Divine Intervention?  I’ll take (D) All of the above.  Through the miracles of luck and perseverance, my dedication to the cause prevailed.  The Sword of Galleon was mine! It is now time to remove the rough leather sheathe and unlock the mythical portal to immortality within the 51-inch, double-edged, stainless steel blade.

After the Sword is drawn, quoting The Passage of Righthood for the One in Possession of The Sword of Galleon once more shall thrust me into dimensions unparalleled to the human mind.  I send this in earnest, as this may be the last passage I ever write.  This may be the last day I spend on this planet, at least for a while.  So much to do, such infinite time!  But alas, upon my return, oh! the stories I shall share…

Turn any man of dust and sand, from across the land o’er yonder,
Who once a pawn thou now shall spawn a mortal man no longer.

Eino Hill lives in Los Angeles, California and is a six-time champion in one-on-one beach volleyball.

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